Posted May 29th, 2010

"Fully Known and Fully Loved: Healing the Past, Healing a Marriage, Healing a Cat"

I had the chance to be by myself — a rare opportunity to be completely alone without any interruptions from family, friends, or phones — and I took it. I sat outside that evening in a town not my own, surrounded by the sweet aroma of spring flowers and a babbling brook below. My feet propped up on the railing, I stretched out to gaze at the sky. I decided I would stay there in silence until the stars came out. My prayer was simple: God, show me what I need to know. Guide me in the right direction.

My list of failures was long, but I soon felt a calm come over me, a sweet reassurance that I was already forgiven, and that God was already well aware that my daily willingness to do better was sincere. My requests were many, but God already knew those too — no need to go over them again. So I embraced the silence. And for the first time in a very long time, the silence stayed quiet. Comforting. Not filled with my whining or why-ing.

And slowly the sky turned. The sunset was vividly orange, and all the golden shades reflected off the mountains as the buildings in the town below lit the night. Once the sun was down I stared up intently, walking slowly around the deck until I found the first star. It's finally getting to be night! A pair of young does wondered through the yard below. "Hello, deer," I whispered, and "hello, dear," I said to one again, smiling. They were barely visible in the twilight now. I watched them disappear into a neighbor's yard, and went back to stargazing. Soon more stars appeared, just one or two at a time, but as the minutes passed more and more appeared until I could point out constellations.

The hush of the darkness brought a surprising sense of peace. I simply felt protected in the Love of Life — safe in God's lap, warm in Her loving arms. As the number of stars increased, I was filled with gratitude.

Yet there was no great revelation. It's OK, I prayed, I'm still grateful.

And that's when it came to me: Looking up at the stars is looking back in time. Whenever I look up at the stars, I am looking into a faraway past, because it takes eons for the light to travel from those heavenly bodies to Earth. And what do I see? Only tranquility, indescribable beauty, majesty, peace, comfort, and joy. There's no strife or conflict, no condemnation or blame. I realized that this is the only past God knows about me, about anyone, anywhere. There is only One Infinite, all-encompassing Love of All Time — in the past, in the present, in the future. And in every moment, the entire universe is fully known and fully loved by this One Love.

In a new way, I saw that never again would I have to feel trapped by my past. This personal past of mine — riddled with hurts I'd always figured I couldn't totally heal, with regrets from wrongdoings I couldn't fully correct, and with circumstances I couldn't stop blaming somebody for — was all gone. I drank in that perfect moment and let Love envelope me.

 

"We cannot look out into space without looking back into time." — Carl Sagan

 

Of course, the next day I was back in the so-called real world, with all the ups and downs of daily life, and it was hard to remember that my time on that mountaintop had ever even happened. Some unresolved issues still persisted with my husband, and in general I walked around with a very low opinion of myself. And on top of all that, our cat, Lucy, was suddenly sick. She was lethergic, sad-looking, walking strangely, and hardly eating. It was as if she couldn't lift up her head.

Our daughter called a Christian Science healer to help us pray for Lucy. She explained that a pet tends to worship the family, and often reflects what's happening in the family. So if there's something wrong with the animal, "the family needs to worship God more." I'd never heard it put quite like that before. Yes, I want to do that, God. I praise Your magnificence, in all of Your creation! I want to see more clearly the same perfection You see, throughout all time, and right here and now. "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10)

I refused to go back to a habit of defeatedness. I was determined to heal the burdens that had literally been weighing me down for a very long time. I wanted to hold my head up high from now on, and see Lucy do it, too!

A new idea came to me, so I thought I'd try it: I decided to fast. I made it a challenge I could handle, a liquid fast for one day. I learned a lot about turning what seemed to be physical sensation into spiritual awareness. When I felt any pangs of hunger, I realized they were mental urges, not actually physical.  What was I hungry for? This question led to a great deal of soul-searching, with several moments of insight. For instance, as I contemplated the fleeting nature of good tastes and smells, and how their blessings could be conjured any time with memory and appreciation, I was learning that anything I craved I actually already had within, and that anything I perceived as lacking I actually already possessed. I saw that the source of my energy came from my decision to turn my thoughts over to God — to Infinite Good — which showed me how to do more good, and experience more good, as I kept myself focused there throughout the day. I could see in a new way that this Good, which constitutes the endless everlasting universe, including man, also includes me, our family, and even the cat. Eating became irrelevant as I worked to keep myself in this God-reality. 

My husband and daughter worked in the yard that day, so in another decision to try something new, I joined them — mowing, pruning, trimming, weeding. When we worked together as a team to beautify our home, all the anger and frustration between my husband and me melted away. The reassuring thought came to me that we had never left the state of grace that was freely given to us as God's offspring. Not one hair on our head nor hide, not one blade of grass, could ever be left out. As Jesus said, "Aren't five sparrows sold for two cents? Even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid: you're worth far more than many sparrows." (Luke 12:6-7) God's Infinite Love for us is always here, in every detail of our lives.

I was grateful to have peace restored in our family. Not only had I just experienced a healing that had been a long time coming in our marriage, I had also accomplished my goal to stick to a liquid fast for the day, so my confidence level was back. I could once again hold my head up, so to speak.

And the next day, Lucy lifted her head up when we encouraged her, and she was acting a bit more lively; by the following day she was back to her frisky, ornery self! 

We need to attend to our thoughts, our relationships, our lives, in the same way that a yard needs constant attention and loving care. That's how we can know what God knows: the perfection that's been right here, all along, fully known and fully loved — in the past, the present, and the future. And when we do, that's when the healings come.

 

Read Janis's Latest Published Article:  "Finding Divine Direction During Hard Times"    — The Christian Science Monitor

 
 

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